Invitations - Devising Your Guest List ... Rule 2

OK, another hiatus there - something about being taken over by the Halloween season. Now that I have 2 big buffet parties behind me -- my son's Trick-or-Treat party with his friends (and us with their parents) .... and my wife's Dia de los Muertos-themed birthday party -- time for another blog. we were discussing composing guest lists, and here's the next biggie --

Rule 2: When possible, don’t invite people who dislike each other to the same event

Sometimes you may not be able to get around it, but if you have some choice in the matter, inviting people who actively dislike each other is almost always a bad idea. This is very much a judgement call – there are people who don’t really care for each other’s company, and at a large-enough event can easily avoid each other, or get by with polite conversational nothings if they find themselves in the same space – this is probably OK (though at the other end of the spectrum, in an intimate dinner party mixing these two could be quite uncomfortable).

However, if they really do despise each other, putting them together at even a large gathering is often a recipe for trouble, especially if one of more of the individuals in question have a problem behaving like an adult when under pressure. It is a disservice to everyone present – to you as the host, because you’ll be busy enough without having to manage others’ personal problems; to the other guests, who came anticipating getting to relax and have a good time, and will instead experience tension whenever the combatants are in the room, and even to the combatants themselves. They may rightly wonder why you chose to make them so uncomfortable, and confront you directly or leave in a flurry, making for a potentially embarrassing scene.

Broken marriages or long-term relationships are a case-by-case basis. If two of your friends who were married or as good as, then broke up, are on your usual list of invitees, this is a special situation. You cannot invite one and not the other (unless you really want to anger the one not invited), and oftentimes just inviting both can turn out badly, for obvious reasons. On the other hand, if the break-up was friendly and/or the separated couple can both be relied on to behave like adults, there may be no issue inviting both. When in doubt, call them both individually, comment that you are a friend to them both and would like to invite them both, but don’t want to put them in uncomfortable circumstances either. Most reasonable, honest people will appreciate your concern for their feelings – and the warning that they may encounter the other person at your party -- and may even work an arrangement out between themselves without you having to get much more involved.