Invitations - Devising Your Guest List - Rule 3

Rule 3: Use some discretion when mixing groups of friends who don’t know each other well.

Same idea as the mixed office group/friends group scenario mentioned in Rule 1, but without the concern about setting you back professionally -- though, there are a few different wrinkles.

Mixing groups of friends can sometimes work out very well; you just have to be able to gauge the personalities involved and the ‘culture’ of the groups being mixed … and make that judgement call. Depending on personalities and group social dynamics, two very different groups can not only do well together, but may even complement each other – for instance, combining a group of crazy partiers and a more sedate group may result in a party that is neither too laid back, nor so nuts that it trashes your place and you’re cleaning for weeks – and if most everyone enjoys the blend, you have a winner.

Common interests help, of course, as it gives everyone, whether they know each other or not, something to talk about. For instance, inviting a couple of different friend groups you know that share an interest in fine wine, for an evening of dinner and wine-tasting, is likely to be a pleasant and interesting evening for concerned.

But of course, mixing different groups of people can misfire horribly as well – consider the bachelor party where the groom-to-be’s list includes both his old wild college friends and a newer group of super-religious people from his new church. This is a heated team argument, and a stressful evening for the host, just waiting to happen. In this instance the host is pretty much screwed, as the guest list was made by the Guest of Honor himself and you have some obligation to follow their wishes. However, there may be a few ways to mitigate the mess:

Negotiate with groom to have two different parties is one option. Or, if it has to be a single event, perhaps arrange the event in two parts – a more mellow, tasteful early-evening party at your own home, followed by a rowdy night out on the town, complete with a party van and designated driver. If you make the format clear in the invitation, the individuals who have objections to the boozy venue-hopping, but still want to pay their respects to the groom, will probably simply plan to bow out on the second half of the party. If so – problem solved.

If, on the other hand,  you end up with a couple militants who decide to argue with everyone heading  for the party van, instead of graciously bowing out for the rowdy portion of the evening -- if this situation occurs, quickly take the troublemakers aside before the argument escalates too much, and politely but firmly encourage them to depart, if they are truly that uncomfortable.

No matter how it turns out, if you have taken your best shot at showing the guest of honor a good time, the above steps, you at least can rest after the even in the knowledge that you did could to head the trouble off, and aren’t personally responsible when others choose to act poorly. Perversely, over the years we have typically had way more offensive, difficult, and outright unacceptable behavior at parties from those professing to be straight-laced and religious than we have had from the party-hearty crowd -- the latter generally have more social skills, are less pent-up (and therefore less likely to cross the line when they cut loose), and more tolerant of people different from themselves. Who'd have thunk it?